Writing on my balcony @ 3 am

Time – I have an expectation for most things I do.  I know/believe/suppose I will do something before I do it.  And then I expect.  I expect how it will go.  How will it begin?  If there are other people involved, what will they say or do?  Will it be to my liking.  I play many, many scenarios in my head prior to each actual occurrence.  And as I am thinking, planning, preparing, plotting, calculating I’m missing the moment I’m in.  And the moment I’m in is perfect/fine/etc.  And I impact t+1.  In fact sometimes I don’t make it to t+1 because I’ve dwelled on it, determined it will suck, or I will want to leave or whatever and I don’t even go.  Similarly, if I do go, there is often some period of time when I’m able to tie what is happening to some expectation (not that it is but that my mind will tie/relate the two) and if I’m perceiving what is going on as sucking and then I’m thinking that I thought it would suck then I think that if I think the rest of it will suck then it will suck and then I’m missing all of these moments and I’m just waiting to leave.  Waiting to leave.  How can I get to t+1 without having overanticipated t+1 during t?  Simply I must pay more attention/be more present during t. 

So I need to expect less.  The mental time traveling must cease.  Must cease?  I don’t have that kind of power.  God has that power?  To some extent god created the time traveling nature of my mind.  What can I do to limit the mental time travel.  Feel the fingers on the keyboard and hear the sound, then notice the crispness of the air, its scent and the sound of the crashing wave.  I’ve heard a thousand waves crash but I love that sound and listen eagerly.  Probably something like no two wave crashes are exactly the same (snowflake like). 

This could explain the problem in many relationships (both romantic but also friendships and work type).  If I already think I know what you are going to say or how you are going to behave, even if I’m only 5% right, I will confirm that 5% and assume that I’m right about the rest because the 5% which I identified seems so persuasive.  I’d be best off if I could 1) not anticipate the 5% and (2) desensitize myself to the 5%.  

Fat and loud

Malibu Starbucks on PCH at 4:26 pm….

Fat and loud remains a bad combination.  As you’ve guessed, a loud fat is distracting me from my work so I’ve taken to my blog.  While I’m always annoyed by sound, when it is coming from a fat, it is infinitely worse.  Why is this?  Probably because I am prejudice against fats and jump at any excuse to dislike them even more.  That’s probably definitely what it is. 

Is that dorky German guy blasting that 6 foot double D puma Swede?  Initially I thought he just went and attempted to pick her up but then I realized she was waiting for him at the table (beverage-less).  I really don’t know the game out here (or am unwilling to accept it).  I need a meaningingless physical experience with one of these 9s.  It doesn’t have to last, in fact, I’d almost guarantee that should I finagle my way into such a relationship (not really the right word…encounter…realistically it would take me a series of encounters to get the encounter I want and then I would probably have to have multiple such encounters to justify the expense and effort), no sooner would I be trying to escape it. 

But never mind me for a second.  Trying to come to terms with these guys who are seemingly entering these model-ass chicks is becoming increasingly difficult.  Perhaps I’m just more attentive now that I’m single.  Wowsa that model ass chick is even hotter. And she walked out without a beverage.  WTF?  The scenery has been constantly changing but beautiful.  Like a train ride through nature….

The buck just got dark.  You never seen colored folk in here.  Kind of refreshing…Is refreshing the right word?  Breaks the monotony.  These are the whitest sounding black folk I’ve ever heard.  Not really.  I guess that’s just the way of the Westside.  As it so happens they all sat at my group table.  And for whatever reason I’m fearful that someone will peer over my shoulder and read what I’ve written (impossible as there are no seats behind me.  But Im paranoid.  All downside and no upside.  Anyway I’ve brilliantly switched the fot size to one.  Smartest man alive?! Probably not but I wouldn’t conclusively say no.  Actually you probably could.   What the fuck kind of godawful noise is this fool making with his mouth?  It’s like he’s trying to suck a piece of scrap out his teeth…..leftovers!….it’s driving me fricken nuts….headset…? but then I can’t blog based on my my observations… I wonder what I do that annoys the shit out of people.  Probably nothing given my high level of awesomeness….

What could they possibly be discussing?  Perhaps it is just some sort of hyper honest discussion.  ‘Well I’m 33 and I need to have a kid.  The body is telling me so’ she begins.  “So I see” says German Herman “I’ve got a very successful business - did you see my new Porshe? and my wife is back in Munich…I’ve been meaning to divorce her (ok maybe not so honest)”. 

Is that Paul Walker?  No… I suppose the phrase “you never know who you’re gonna see” isn’t entirely true. Or maybe it is.  Actually I don’t think that is even a thing.  It is just something I typed.  And now you have read it.  Anyway, it is true that you know who you definitely won’t see.  You won’t see the dead. 

Time for the beach….

2:20 PM @ Hill & Main Sbux in SM

I apologize to my readership for the duration of my hiatus.  Though I will offer no explanation, I feel that I should at least acknowledge and apologize…Moving on…Actually, a bit of housekeeping before we get down to business, I’d like to let my homeless readers (at some point does homeless become a derogatory term? - is anyone working on a more politically correct nomenclature to describe those who are lacking permanent residences? ) know that the password for the bathroom here is 19855.  Though I’ve complained in previous posts about the homeless (or residence challenged as I’m now calling them) crowding Starbucks, a quick whiff of Main leads me to believe there is too much outdoor peeing going on in Santa Monica.  Something must be done and being a man of action I resolved to act.  There.  I’m pretty sure this piss smell of Main St is almost resolved.  

This clown next to me thinks this is his office and the 65ish lady he is interviewing believes she is an artist.  Perhaps all one needs to do is think that one is something and this is true (to varying extents of course).  Janet Yellen is the Chairwoman of the Federal Reserve not because she believes she is the chairwoman of the Fed but because most people who know that the position of Fed Chair exist believe she is the Chairwoman of the Federal Reserve.  But when it comes to being an artist, writer, minister, (and in some countries and certain parts of Texas) doctor, all it takes is an of course I am attitude.  Would I rather be this wrinkly delusional nut beside me or the wrinkly delusional nut running the federal reserve (it was a proper noun and now I’ve decided it’s not)?  That is the question du jour.  

What happens when you attach a large fake rack to a sack of crap?  By and large, it remains a sack of crap.  However, because large racks attract attention, it becomes a sack of crap that (temporarily) attracts the attention of 90% of men (and 8% of women).  That said, I wonder if I would attach a large rack to myself if I were an ugly woman.  It must be thrilling to go from having no guys look at you to having some guys look at you.  Similarly, there are some guys who love fake gozongas so much that the owner of said gozongas can likely extract a beautiful cocktail of drinks, dinners, and jewelry (CZs but still better than nothing).  This time spent w/ our imaginary suitor alleviates her loneliness.  While the suitor tells his friends (and himself) he is just hitting it, he may eventually become entangled in a relationship or ensnared as a husband.  It seems this happens more than one would think - sometimes the path of least resistance leads to marriage.  So attaching a fake rack to a sack of crap results in a sack of crap plus.  But in this case the plus can really make a difference.  It’s like a souped up Hyundai.  Yeah it is still a Hyundai but from far enough away it looks enticing and some people actually grow to appreciate the features.  As Hunter S said ‘Buy the ticket, take the ride’ - if I am reincarnated as an unattractive woman, I will get a nice fake titrack.  

Coffee Bean @ Main & Ocean in Ocean Park. 4:15p - 5:18 p on a Friday

Why am I so perturbed by loiterers at coffee shops?  As it relates to this specific loiterer, I felt like my ability to grab a table could be compromised by her presence.  As simple as that.  But then after I got a table, I still was angry.  Was that just lingering anger or is there something underneath it all? Not sure.  Is it the same anger I feel when some filthy little pig says ‘hi’ to me on okc?  No – the angst re: filthy little pig is caused by my fear that if she feels that I’m attainable, I must be a 3 or so.  Pure insecurity as far as my looks/superficial appearance go.  The angst toward the loiterer is something altogether different.

On the topic of angst and should, I was upset by the presence of multiple crossing guards at intersections of the middle school I recently passed in Ocean Park.  I feel that by middle school, one should be able to safely cross the street.  If one is unable to meet this minimum requirement, I feel society may be ok without you.  Social Darwinism as they call it.  Of course, I’m really upset by the reality that as a taxpayer I would be paying for said crossing guard.  They are probably pulling $20/hour plus some ridiculous benefit package.  Fuckers. 

I feel somewhat naked without a power source for this computer.  As a positive, I’m excited about the new computer which I expect will have a materially longer battery life.  It is also lighter and of course, faster.  Almost by definition it has to be faster than this beast. 

Though I’m generally excited about Friday dinner, tonight I must say I am dreading it.   I’ll just leave that alone.   That is what newcomers do.  They just speak as if what they are saying is interesting.  I did it.  Most others have done it.  I just don’t want to receive it.  Ear rape.  While I like that this is an outdoor location in ocean park, I am disappointed because 1) no attractive women within my purview (not that I would approach them. When was the last time I approached a strange woman) (2) sitting outside i see passersby rather than people sitting static- similarly the few stationary people who i am observing arent situated in a way that allows me to evesdrop on their conversations. 

I doubt I’m really a writer.  All I could think about after hearing that my brother would wed in the next year is that ‘I hope im not the best man so I don’t have to make that stupid fucking speech’.  Secondly, I never have anything to message the ladies on okc.  Really just nothing.  What kinda writer am I?  I’m pretty sure that message I just sent will receive no response.  I wish I’d have been on my game when that Asian had passed although picking up a woman (which would’ve involved entertaining a three set) in passing is quite challenging.  How much less likely does the three set make it (vs if she were walking alone)?  I’ll have the statistics group look into it. 

What does it say when a woman refers to herself as an actor rather than an actress?  Do loiterers multiply or go exponential.  Again they are all looking for a charge.  But here there are no outlets.  That said, admittedly I am not sensitive to the plight of the poor.  Swap the P for an F (flight of the poor) and you’d have something interesting.  But while the gap between rich and poor has never been greater, given that we are all glued to a screen (cpu, ipad, iphone, etc), the way we live life has probably never been more similar.  Both across economic groups but also across countries, cultures, etc.  That was friggen profound and you heard it here first. 

Does the vanilla rooibos taste better here than at Sbux?  That may be.  We are dealing with comparatively worse ambiance though the WeHo Sbux was no prize locale.  I’m grateful that I can walk and get around – being restricted by injury would be very difficult for most people and particularly difficult for me.  The vagrants dominate the Santa Monica area.  Well not dominate but they certainly are well represented round these parts.  That one created  tremendous anxiety for me as 1) I felt he was going to interact with me (2) I didn’t want to deal with him after denying him whatever amount of money he sought (3) I was nervous that he would damage my possessions (back to the point about the significance of the iPad world) – I literally have all my most prized possessions with me – I felt this would make plausible denial of having any cash very difficult (4) I feared that he smelled, making the potential nasal and psychological damage inflicted in a prolonged conflict more daunting than the reduction of social status implied by looks of disapproval emanating from a verbal confrontation over my refusal to part with a dollar.  That last sentence is too cumbersome but you get my drift.  

That Asian is not attractive but she has huge fake cans

I debated on using ‘That Asian’s not attractive but…cans’ and then started getting concerned with the grammatical structure - I don’t think I can use a contraction there but think I’d still be ok because she possesses unattractiveness.  Anyway we can sort this out later.  

So I’m debating whether I’d hit it with this chick.  Actually lady.  If she fucked me she’d be a bobcat (or just a simple older cougar).  Not sure.  Some part of the large cat family for sure.  As (another) aside, maybe all old white women should be cougars but old Asians should be bobcats or cheetahs or something.  

image

Everybody in here is from Chicago.  Sadly they aren’t attractive and I hate that form of intro to conversation.  Like when you are introduced to somebody.  Bob went to IU also.  Great let’s fucking talk about it.  Unless it’s super unique (two Lebanese homosexual tightrope walkers), I would prefer that party hosts not jam people into conversations by establishing that two people have some uninteresting historical fact in common and then waiting for the conversation to morph from this snowflake into the abominable snowman.  

Back to the cans which have drawn me to this Asian.  There are no attractive women in this Starbucks (which is disappointing given that it is 15th and Montana in Santa Monica -should be MILF city) so there is no opportunity cost of me obsessing on Tits McChang here.  Certainly I’d fuck her but realistically I would not put forth any modicrum of effort.  I wouldn’t want to call and hear about her day.  I wouldn’t want to sit across from her at dinner and feign interest in whatever meaningless garbage she attached significance to, or hear about how her ex-husband is an amazing person but that they just weren’t right for each other.  God forbid I did sit through a 25 minute phone conversation and a 90 minute dinner together and she didn’t give it to me.  I certainly wouldn’t want to potentially have to repeat this 2-3x in order to make one simple, beautiful mess on her neck.  

It would only work if she was just prowling for dick.  Her titrack and short skirt suggest this is entirely possible.  I could casually say something and see how interested she is in responding and talking to me which would be indicative of the liklihood she would fuck me without trying to make me work for it.  

Why are crazy people so loud?  Actually that’s probably not true.  Non-agoraphobic crazy people are only noticed when they are not loud.  Did my look (of obvious disapproval) break up that conversation?  The crazy lady had cornered a non-crazy and he realized he had to extricate himself from the convo.  Did I just save all of starbucks from having to hear that verbal diarrhea (sp) or is this yet another manifestation of my god complex?  

I’m forcing this one. Read at your own risk.

I’m writing to write and this may become incredibly obvious to anyone reading this post.  

That guy looks like a retarded version of Eric Schmidt (former Google CEO).  I wonder if that could be a game.  Retarded version of.   

It’s like 15 degrees warmer here than in the Palisades.  I guess that’s good.  I wish there was a nice safe straight park where I could lay out here.  Evidently I am afraid of being raped by homeosexuals.  This isn’t the most reasonable fear but it isn’t my top priority to get over it.  Can one concede that he finds gays objectionable without being anti gay or homophobic?  

If there was a story who would be the characters and what would be their plight?  Traffic is going to be such a mess going home.  I should NEVER leave the Westside. Evidently the homeless can just go in and order glasses of icewater and then come out here and sit among us.  That can’t be good for business.  Good for the short sellers of Sbux.  I mean I’m still here but this along with distance, bathroom, and lack of good looking girls mean that I’m unlikely to return.  

It’s weird and potentially unhealthy to be angry at the homeless.  There’s lots of stuff happening here.  Now the homeless are charging their phones (along with the loitering and water consumption).  There is a 1:1 ratio of homeless free loaders to actual paying customers outside at this starbucks.  I wonder if that girl had a home when she decided to spend $75 on a neck tattoo or if that is part of the mental illness aspect of the whole situation. She saved up two days of change and instead of buying meth or food, she got a neck tattoo.  

I’m pretty sure that I’m never coming back to this location.  I’m not going to write Starbucks a letter or anything

That woman’s plastic surgery looks horrible.  Did she get one really bad lipjob or did she keep going back saying ‘just a little bigger’ until that happened?  Can I be mad at someone for doing that to themselves?  Not out of concern for them (I don’t know them and am not the type of person that just radomly cares about strangers under the ‘we’re all god’s children’ bs) just because I’m angry that they spent money to try to look better and…what is it?  It’s because I think that they wanted to look great and then be better than me and now she looks terrible so fuck her.  I haven’t fully gotten to the bottom of my disdain but…I’m sure we’ll figure it out one of these days.  Can you still be on government assistance if you’ve had plastic surgery?  I’d vote ‘no’ if I voted.  What about  tattoos?  Perhaps some people just aren’t meant to have anything.  

Don’t look at the model looking chicks too closely.  its like everything else it cant be as good as it appears.  appears is an illusion and i’m the sort who prefers pleasant illusiions to mediocre reality.  that’s why i really like to sleep.  i want to spend more of my life asleep because i don’t think it matters if i’m concious.  

there are too many people walking back and forth on this street or just continually walking around the block in circles.  

I wonder if I’ll ever make a bunch of dough again and if so, will i pursue the accumulation of a bunch of stuff? would i get married/have kids if i had a ton of cheese?  or would i basically do the same stuff.  or would i get ridiculous - tons of fake ass chicks, blow, big house in the bu.  i guess that falls under the accumulations of a bunch of stuff.  

Would homeless theatre be a good name for an off broadway production company?  probably not but…. i don’t quite understand this neighborhood but i think i’m glad i don’t live here.  I was much more content yesterday.  partially the caffeine…partially the comfort of the malibu sbux.  partially i probably had more to write about. 

2:33 pm @ Starbucks at Beverly & Robertson in BH

This isn’t as easy/fun without the caffeine but as that Russian kid with the video cover letter said a dozen years ago ‘Impossible is nothing’.  Note however, that he did not get the job.  

I thought the people here would be better looking.  Also, I expected to hear more English among my fellow patrons.  It isn’t that a large proportion of the patrons are non-English speakers.  It’s that foreign must be yelled at this Starbucks.  Yelling in foreign creates a sense of importance and urgency that politely spoken English just can’t convey.  Pointing and gesturing aids this.  But for Christsake they are sitting 20 feet away and all I can hear is them.  What topic of conversation warrants this?  Is there something that these wizards could be discussing upon which finding out what it is I would not want to kill them.  

It is tough to say music is underrated but silence certainly is.  From the time I wake until I am completely alone, I feel like my ears are being raped and sadly the BH Sbux is no exception…Does the fact that I hope terrible things befall the foreign yellers make me a terrible person?  I hope they die.  Soon.  I don’t hate them as much as I hate the person who invented the alert which sounds when a truck backs up (or when a garbage truck does anything).  I’d wish torture on that beast or team.  Seems like a team decision to do something that shitty.  A commission of overpaid government safety consultants.  

She has a nice set of cans for an Asian.  Despite having spent months traveling throughout Asia, I’m ashamed to say that I can’t usually tell what kind of Asian I’m looking at.  I’d like to think she was Korean.  I’d also like to think that she will come back and ask me to…well …

I hate all men in LA wearing fidoras.  Particularly if it is an attention grabbing color and being warn by an old man.  I’ve decided this extends beyond LA - I mean, why shouldn’t it?  This is an international ban.  As you consider this I think you’ll find it firm but fair.  The only instance of forebearance would be if the hat is being worn for heat in a dire situation where the owner is facing hypothermia.  Actually I take it back - the ban is international with no exceptions.

I wonder if I would yell foreign if I could speak it. The ideal foreign to yell originates in the Middle East.  Or Asia though of course this will not be the case in 2027 once GA (general Asian) is adopted throughout the region (sounds like a mix of Chinese, Thai and someone strangtling young goat).  Sometimes we need to explore hypocricy or in this case potential hypocracy. I’m confident that if a fidora truck broke down in front of my apartment and a massive gust of wind blew 50 of the finest fidoras into my apartment I wouldn’t ever wear one.  But would I yell foreign at Starbucks?  I’m not going to learn just to see but…I’d like to think I’d spit it at only a slightly above average volume (which is where I tend to operate).  

Evidently I am very sensitive to fashion  I will only be happy once the entire universe is sporting my exact outfit - Vneck T with either board shorts or jeans.  Everything should be purchased on sale.  

I really do want to punch the guy wearing the fidora more than the normal amount.  Evidently there is a normal amount I would like to punch everybody and then there is the amount I would like to punch him, which is greater, far greater.  

This doesn’t seem that gay for West Hollywood.  Evidently there is a straight part and I’m in it.  I just thought I was in Beverly Hills.  This is actually a pretty good location except for only having one bathroom and being super fucking far.  Maybe I just like the outdoor outlet for the laptop.  Actually the girls here are considerably worse looking than in Malibu.  

What is the most depressing human life form in the developed world?  Is it the drug addled, mentally ill vagrant who is shunned by society and ultimately takes on a beastly form? Or…is it the woman who is both morbidly obese and incredibly ugly?  She is also ignored but probably hated more than the aforementioned homeless person.  Or..is it me?

To not blog would be to deprive the world

really that’s how i think. is it pathetic and sad or just pathetic?  that’s another pair of cargo pants but that guy looks more out of touch than the previous wearer (predicated on the assumption that ponytails and light green silk shirts are a fashion fauxpaux)…i’ve concluded that they are not back in.  i will not order all of the cargo pants i can find online in a crazed attempt to corner the cargo pant market…

i like that they play ray charles in here…i would like to watch him feel a chick’s face…if he ever went all broke like mike tyson and somehow couldn’t make a living singing, maybe he could charge people to watch him feel chicks faces…i’d throw down a buck or two to witness that..whaddya doin tonight?  i’m watchin sweet baby ray feel some face….he’d probably make me pay a bit extra because i’d be blogging it to y’all..me typing y’all is a violation of keeping it real…i apologize…let’s not forget it but let’s learn from it and move on…

i wish it was appropriate to just offer regular women cash for sex and that they would take it as the most sincere compliment…i wish it had the beautiful undercurrent of ‘i can’t imagine you would f me for free so i’ve decided to offer you $226 for 4 minutes of your time -clock starts once you are naked’…but if i went up and made such an offer i’d be slapped…worse because she’d call me a ‘pervert’ or a ‘sick little maggot’ or something (while arm was in backswing and her brain was thinking of best contact point on my oversized noggin)…when all i wanted to do was pay her a compliment (and possibly help with rent on the off chance she went for it)..what a bitch….that website whatsyourprice.com is kinda like that but only for a date…someone needs to build the next level adult version and allow every woman to serve as a hook…it would be kinda like uber…every lady could be a freelance hook on an as needed basis…what a beautiful world the webbernet/smartphone has created…

that girl is really hot but she’s like 20-22…. it’s not that i’m repulsed by that or that i care that society would be repulsed by that but more because she would definitely not sleep with me and would probably speak with her friend in slang shooting me down in phrases i wouldn’t understand because i’m all old n shit….and i’d be stading there awkwardly watching it happen because i opened with some dumb under the radar (but not really under the radar because they have a better radar than i’d anticipated) line and am pretending to be cool and chill and in my head i realize i’m crashing and burning but i’m just standing there trying to maintain this dumbass smile on my face but i realize i’ve failed and just want to leave but feel like just walking away would be too awkward especially since we are in the same starbucks but then i feel like i’m bothering them so i ultimately do just waddle back to my table with my tail between my legs…it would just be easier to offer her 74 bucks for a blowie in my car…but society deems that inappropriate…

what does it mean when an ex you aren’t supposed to contact anymore invites you to connect on linkedin?  it’s not like we are in the same field and that she’d reasonably think i could do anything to help her in her job search… am i supposed to just accept?  could i call her?  i feel like this is the equivalent of a poke on facebook (do they still do that?) which i never knew how to respond…my whole life is really just a misadventure in not knowing how to respond…shit always gets distilled 82 minutes after my first intake of caffeine…

11:13-11:30 am Malibu Sbux

This guy looks like somebody’s dad.  A guy who’s not very cool’s not very cool dad.  The beauty of being that guy is you just are him.  You aren’t aware that you are him.  Lack of awareness of self (total lack of self conciousness) would be the best thing ever.  

Contrast with Mr La wannabe who is so incredibly self aware that he imposed himself upon me. Such attention to detail in his outfit.  He thinks he’s off to do something important or that people think he’s off to do something important.  Just thinking something is important….is not something I understand anymore…except for what I’m writing…this is clearly…very..(contemplative pause)..very (one simply wasn’t enough)…important.

i wish i could be on aderall or blow all the time but have it feel like the first time all the time….i wish everything always felt like the first time…or before the first time …when i could only anticipate… that was the best…nothing ever is as good as i imagine it…

i bet skippy’s dad doesn’t have to think about this… i named that not very cool guy’s not very cool dad skippy… i like to name people… and when i name white people, i like to name them skippy or sparky…if they are shorter than me…because i’m all aware of height now…

has society devolved to the point where a mo-hawk…actually i suppose this is just a fohawk…is just a reasonably acceptable conservative look…does it matter….of course not…i’m surprised there aren’t any fights at starbucks…people struggling to get their fix… how is this different from any other drug?  except that it is legal…

that cat over there is like designer homeless.  he really looks like one of those dickbags from a makeover show picked him up off skid row, washed him, took him on a shopping spree here at the Country Mart (or is it the county mart?), handed him a starbucks gift card and turned him loose on the world… i wonder if rich people ever do that for fun… probably not… it’s probably way more fun to buy a ferrari, get a ton of blow, and go blast some models in a big ass beachouse…but if any of you richy riches get really bored of that then maybe… yeah no

Are cargo pants coming back? for a guy who knows nothing about fashion, i’ve made a great deal of commentary on fashion…maybe i just get excited when i can identify various pieces of clothing…

that guy is really tall…f him

at least the (service) dog is leaving…lying bitch…

starbucks is no place for children… i have nothing to add to that at this time but i’ve never been more sure that i’m right about something.. would be a great centerpiece of a political campaign…we can’t keep dogs out of starbucks because they may or may not be service dogs but we all know there are no service children therefore we will ban ALL of them from sbux. .